Her mantra: Let loose, laugh often, and own a lot of shoes.
That’s right, in addition to being talented, brilliant, and witty, Laura is an ardent shoe enthusiast. Although not quite matching the legendary shoe collect Philippino First Lady Imelda Marcos, notoriously counted at 2,700, Laura Hayden’s personal collection rivals some of the most impressive in the country.The count: 799 shoes. It would be 400 pairs even, except that one shoe escaped in Vegas, and is most likely eeking out a living dealing poker on the Strip.
The gang doesn’t hesitate to find out more. As it turns out, comedy chose Laura, not the other way around. The truth emerged while she was working on one of her earlier degrees. In normal, everyday situations people found her to be funny, so much so that she was unanimously selected to give the commencement speech at graduation. She recalls about the day, “I frequently had to stop for a moment just so I could hear myself over the laughter of the audience.” It was her first standup routine, and the worlds of academia and comedy were forever united.
The conversation then turns back to more important matters: Shoes.
Dean pulls a game out of his pocket, tailor made for Laura, called “Test Your Shoe IQ.” It was undoubtedly one of his best yet. He asked questions such as: “Can wearing heels be good for your sex life?” and “Who invented the stiletto?”
In the meantime we discover that 22% of women would give up sex for a pair of really great shoes, and that there is a proven neurobiological reason for foot fetishes.
Dr. Laura explains, “according to the tactile sensation map in your brain, genitalia and feet are neighbors, and sometimes the wires cross.”
Who knew? Isn’t science fun?
Laura: “One time a guy told me that he’d pay me a hundred dollars to put my white crocodile skin boot in his crotch for one minute.”
Thryn (curious): “Well did you?”
Laura: “Well yeah, I’m a comic, I’ll do anything for money and a laugh. I even offered him the other one.”
And so it goes.
But it didn’t stop there. There are some vital truths that were pounded out in this episode: matters of Chest-raping and cyber stalking, why Dean refused to date students, and why you should always keep the paperwork when your dog gets a rabies shot. Also, in college everybody is legal, so it doesn’t matter, and it’s ok to be a bridesmaid fourteen times, as long as you get to pick your own shoes.
Sound Amazing? You bet! Another night ‘on the Sauce!
– Joey Phoenix is a Boston based freelance wordsmith who delights in the defiantly unorthodox.