The only man alive to segue from an involved discussion of toilets to the subject of romance and seduction, Dean aimed to get out of Mehran – by any means necessary – the reason why the man had been in hiding for such a length of time. Believe it or not, the self-proclaimed ultimate bachelor has fallen in love! Of all the disgusting things to trip into, love is certainly among the worst. Convinced that no one was going to put up with continual rapscallion behavior coupled with the constant desire for amazing chicken and waffles, Mehran never thought he would be one to settle down. But it happened, as these things often do, and he, quite romantically, put his public life on standby in order to nurse this budding ‘atrocity’ as it were. Because finding the man of your dreams is, of course, a horrible fate.
And Dean, always ready with helpful advice: “Mehran, don’t have kids right away.” But speaking of children, and this is when things get interesting (or delightfully disturbing, depending on your level of innocence). In a moment of youthful reminiscence, juxtaposed with a possibly self-effacing admonition, Dean regales the listeners with an adventure of his childhood that leaves the room in astonished and absolute silence – a lavish tale involving pre-adolescent fruit-baskets and other eyebrow raising junior edible arrangements.
And surprisingly, or really not so surprisingly, the Big-un has terrible gaydar. In earnest quest to discern the tell-tale signs of universal gaydom, he produces on our behalf a LIST of elements that determine whether or not you (or that coworker you’ve been suspecting for years) are gay. All of them quickly debunked by the wise Mehran and his intimate knowledge of the subject. Simply, just because there’s a married guy (or woman) out there who is afraid of you, it doesn’t mean you’re gay – you just may have a sense of adventure. A very unique sense of adventure.
So what is the prominent philosophy? According to Mehran what is it that makes you truly gay? Answer: desire for cohabitation. “If your permanent bag is a dude, then you’re gay!” Brilliant, I would say. And the room is amazed (exquisitely amazed even) by the guru’s ability to think up profound witticisms while noshing on chemically infused pizza flavored combos.
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– Joey Phoenix is a Boston based freelance wordsmith who delights in the defiantly unorthodox.